I do. All the time.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day that my friend Heather's mom lost her battle with cancer. I remember that day in July when she found out that her mother was sick. And six months later, she was gone. I remember those feelings on my part, of wanting to help her, fix it for her, make it all better. She was incredibly close to her mother, her whole life.
Heather was pregnant with Hannah at the time- Hannah is 7 weeks older than Megan.
I remember that day that she raced to the hospital to have the ultrasound, hoping to find out what the sex of the baby was so she could get back to tell her mother before she passed away. Hannah wasn't moving that day, so they couldn't say, and by the time Heather got back to the hospital, her mom had died. I remember the helplessness in her voice when I talked to her, that ache that carries so far that you can feel it in your bones for another person.
The funeral was terrible. To see Heather up there pregnant, falling apart. I still remember that moment like it just happened. When I hugged her at the gravesite, I just wanted to take it all away for her, as I'm sure everyone else who cares about her did.
She found out a couple months later that she was having a little girl- we all wanted it for her more than anything, because she wanted to give her daughter her mother's name.
Last week we were at lunch and I asked her if it ever gets any easier. Knowing the answer, really. She said, no, just different. "You stop remembering the sickness and the end, and I just miss her now. Wanting her here for all these moments with my kids, for all these memories."
This is when I wonder why. Why do moms like mine make it, when moms like hers don't? I don't wish ill upon my mother by any means, but Heather and I have talked about it. We both have deadbeat dads (among other things) that are not a part of our lives- why not them? Why not a mom like mine, who although I would be terribly sad if she would be sick or pass away, it would not be devestation or a complete altering of my planets like it was for Heather. Heather's mom was her best friend. I'm not saying I want to dictate who comes and who goes, because I don't. And I'm absolutely positive that everything happens for a reason.
But sometimes, I just want to know why.
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3 comments:
i couldn't agree with you more on this one. sometimes my whole office feels this way.... it just sucks and we have to hope that there is something better waiting for them....
my best friend lost her wonderful mother when we were fourteen... another friend of mine had a mom who made her go and live with her grandmother when her (the mother's)live-in boyfriend molested her, and that mother is still around. just doesn't seem fair.
so sorry for your friend's loss.
This made me cry. I remember when her mom died but I didn't know all the details about the ultrasound and everything. You have such a great way of writing down memories that really gets to the heart of the matter.
I was pregnant with Jensen when Jim's dad died. I remember those feelings of such sadness that this person in your family that you love so much is never going to know the child that you are carrying.
Rita
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