It drives me insane. I cannot stand too much down time, or time to myself. My brain thinks way too hard about way too much. Whenever Cameron is going to be gone or at school, I try to pack up the day with stuff to do and people to be with, because a day without plans drives me insane. Total insecurities. There's something deep seeded in me that goes waaay back in the trenches that equates being alone with being unloved/unwanted. I've been working so hard, especially since becoming a mom, to change that. To realize it's okay to spend time alone, to just relax. I want my kids to be comfortable with who they are, and really like themselves.
When I first started staying home with Cameron, I felt like to be a good mom to him, I had to constantly be on the go and always doing things. Every square inch of our days were planned out. And slowly, as time went on, I relaxed a little more and realized down days were a good thing. But even when they're down, I'm still with Cameron. Doing crafts, reading, playing.
But when he's gone, and I don't have anything going on, I go nuts. Yes, I realize I have another child, but she doesn't talk. Even when I'm talking to her and playing with her, my mind still wanders.
One of the worst nights of my life was a couple of weekends ago when Brent was out of town and I made the mistake of letting Cameron go stay with Shelley for the night. It was horrible. I go into complete OCD mode with my house, cleaning everything I can, and when that was all done, and Megan was asleep, it was just me. I absolutely hated it. I tried to sit down to scrap, and I couldn't. All I did was obsess over the fact that I was alone. And obsess over obsessing.
It's not that I need someone to talk to. It's just having someone there at all. I know it has to do with not being comfortable with myself, and liking myself enough to spend time alone. I wish I could just snap my fingers and change that, and be okay with being me. With who I am. That's always such an effort- always a work in progress. But I guess it's just part of life... how's that saying go- "when you're done changing, you're done"?
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6 comments:
Hi Heather...remember me from KNK (Lv2stamp)...anyway I loved your last post as I too struggle with just being happy being alone and not going stir crazy! Miss hearing about your family but now that I found your blog I can still see sweet pics of your two adorable kids!!!
Rachel
hugs, Heather. If it helps at all I know several people who just adore you and you can spend time with us any day!
I wish I could give you advice on how to accept and embrace who you are now (which is a wonderful friend, wife, and mom)!
Carmen
aw, heather. i love ya! i'm with carmen, i wish there was a magic answer. but you will get there. just from your posts you have overcome sooo much. i have no doubt that you will surpass this too! :)
Carmen said it perfectly.
{HUGS}
Carrie
It was so hard to believe this entry in your blog - you ALWAYS seem very self confident and assured, but of course I only know you through the KNK boards and your blog. On the other hand, I could not glipse those wonderful positive aspects of your personality even thru cyberspace if they didn't exist so work harder at loving yourself. You're a very special and beautiful lady Heather, outside and more importantly, inside.
Ahhhhh. I'm understanding our phone conversation the other day. I also wish I had some magic answer for you. I can only reiterate what others have said...you are one of the most caring people I know, an awesome mother, and an all around great person. Maybe it'll help if we all keep telling you this.
Rita
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