I was defeated, for lack of a better word, by my mother this week. Again. It is a cycle. I have come to realize it will always be this way, for I will always care, and she will always be who she is. I can try as I might not to hurt, not to cry, not to be angry, but it is what it is, and she is who she is.
I have spent this week going through this cycle yet again. Wondering why. Wondering how. But I have also come to accept that although I may always ask these questions, I will never have answers. All I can do is know that this happens for a reason, and the enormous reason that is so clear to me is that it constantly makes me reevaluate who I am, and what I aim to be.
Every time this happens with my mother, after I go through the range of emotions, the next few days are spent internalizing, scrutinizing everything I do, evaluating the difference between what I think I am, and what reality is.
The result is always the same- I do not know for sure what I aim for, what I strive to be, other than the best I can, all I know is what I strive not to be. And that is what I work from- that is my source. My lead- everything I know I never want to be.
It's all I have.
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10 comments:
Sending you hugs. You're an amazing woman and your husband and children see that. As do your friends. KNOW that and carry it with you. :)
you have such a healthy attitude through it all, Heather... thinking of you.
Heather, just echoing what Colleen said, you are an amazing woman and we're all lucky to call you friend. The fact that you cho0se to share your accomplishments, your beautiful family and sometimes your struggles with us makes us even more appreciative of the person you are. {{HUGS}}
Hang in there! Like I've said before "are you sure we don't have the same mom?" Maybe we are long lost twins like on parent trap. I go through phases where I think I can actually help my mom see the light and then I'm shot down and go through a rage of the he** with her! You ARE a good mother and wife!
heather, i ditto the sentiments of everyone else. and will be keeping you in my thoughts...
Know that you are doing your best for yourself and your family, sometimes other people can't see that. Hang in there!
Heather, Ditto what the others have said. Know that you are an amaZing person.
{{HUGS}}
Carrie
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I totally agree with what Colleen and the others said! I'm with Jamie I think we have the same mom! (((HUGS)))
Ditto to what everybody else has said!! Hang in there and always remember you are an awesome woman, wife and mother!! {{{HUGS}}}
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