It's been a week.

With no medicine on my part. Every six months or year or so, I try to take a break from the crazy pills, just to see if I'm okay without them. Still not. There's something slightly depressing about knowing you have to take anti-depressants for the rest of your life in order to function okay.
I've been taking some form of them since I was 14. I've been through a littany of them- started back in the days when Prozac was the cure all. I was on Zoloft for years until I got pregnant with Cameron, then went off of it. After I had him, my body make up had changed because it didn't work anymore, and I went through a six month period of trying a few different kinds. I've been on Wellbutrin XL since then. I stayed on it through this pregnancy (recommended by the doctor this time- I guess it's in a different category than Zoloft was).
It always starts out the first few days that I think I'm fine- I guess because it's still getting out of my system. Then the anxiety starts in. I start feeling so worried and nervous about everything and everyone, until it reaches a fever pitch sometimes so bad that I will be driving down the road and have to pull over because I can't breathe and I'm hysterical.
It's not that I don't have the same exact thoughts when I am on medication, it's just that the way that I process it all is totally different. I rationalize it, and can talk myself through it. I can work it out in my head so that it doesn't get to a fever pitch. I don't feel the urge to just break down and cry in the middle of something, and I don't hyperventilate out of the blue.
Brent always tries to understand- there's something comforting and yet scary all at the same time to be married to someone as normal as Brent when I'm just not. It's like the rock you can cling to when the boat capsizes, yet I wonder if sometimes that's just what he does because he doesn't know what else to do in the eye of the storm.
What I always wonder about this and everything else is how much of who you are is what you are born with, and how much is the product of your environment? If my kids grow up and are on some kind of medication, and feel the need to be in order to feel whole, will it be because I passed on some kind of gene that made them that way, or will it be because they grew up that way? I can't think about it too long right now, since it has been a week without medication, and all the possible scenarios can send me into a tizzy all on its own. These days I internalize much of it.
No worries. My pharmacy is open on Sundays.

Cameron just woke up a little bit ago and came into our room to tell us he messed up his bed. Brent asked him if he went potty, and he said no, it all came out of his mouth. :( He didn't cry or anything. We went and changed his sheets and jammies, and he's not running a fever or anything, so I didn't give him anything. He just wanted to go to sleep in a clean bed. Such a trooper. I was feeling sick all last night, and now Cameron throwing up- I hope it's not the start of a virus through the house. Send us well vibes.