Wow

I'm going through so many thoughts and emotions right now. Tonight was a tough night. We left this evening to go look at Christmas lights, and started getting calls from my sisters back to back. It's been a while since they tried calling me- I think since around Thanksgiving. I finally listened to my vm and Susan had left a message saying they were at our house. Drove an hour and a half up here when I hadn't seen or talked to any of them in a year. I didn't call back. My palms were clammy, and I was feeling totally nauseated. Just the thought of seeing them made my stomach go in knots. We drove around a little longer and then came home. And they were here. My sisters and brothers. All four. And Stephen's fiancee. Part of me wanted Brent to just keep driving.
They all came in and sat. I asked them why they'd came. They said they missed me and wanted to see me. Adrienne started crying and asked why I wouldn't return her phone calls. I couldn't believe it. So I started recapping all the horrible things she had said last year, and done to us. She flipped out and left. The rest of them stayed. It was so ackward at first. There's so much that they will never know, being as young as they were when most of it happened. I tried to explain as best I could why I made the decisions I did, why their mom and my dad aren't a part of my life. I can't believe how much they've grown up. I'm glad they understand now and see a lot of it the way it is. I'm glad they came up. I'm glad they're old enough now to make their own decisions, and we can be a part of each other's lives and I don't have to have Pam or Dad in mine. I can't ever do that again. I have my kids to think about now. I never ever want my kids to feel or experience the things that I did growing up, nor anyone else. I want to know my brothers and sisters, and for my children to know their aunts and uncles. I'm so nervous though. It's such a scary thought to put your heart out on the line. But I know if I didn't take the chance again, I would always wonder and regret. Augh. I can't even type I have such a jumble of different thoughts going through my head.... maybe later I shall make sense of it all....

earlier today had our little holiday party here at the house-. SO fun! SO cute! Got a lot of great pictures of the babies together, and some of the older kids when we could get them to slow down long enough for a picture. Heather got Cameron a star wars laser thingamajig that I'm going to have to hurt her for later...the child is in love with it and it's pretty obnoxious. I'd give it an 8 on a 1-10 scale.
Somehow once again I got suckered by my husband to make something for his office Christmas party and wrap the gift. So I'm waiting for the crab dip now, when I'd love to be in bed. Must ask for raise....speaking of beds, that whole Meg in her crib thing didn't last. She woke up at midnight and then again at 530. Why mess with a good thing when she's sleeping from 8-8 in the bassinet?? So back she went. :)